From Nightfall to Morning Light

I look forward to “downloading” on Friday evenings…Just saying Ahhh that it is the end of the work week and looking forward to going to Worship services and just enjoying God’s Goodness, family friends, etc over the weekend.  Because the accident took place on a Friday. Fridays will never be the same.  This past Friday night, I dreamed that Justin was alive but younger…maybe 6 or 7.  He fell into a body of water.  I wasn’t able to reach him but I got someone else to help him.  He was rescued and he was fine. I hugged him and  was so happy that he was OK. 

Although I wish that the outcome were true, I am so thankful for the quality of our relationship as mother and son.  I am so thankful for his mindset at the time that this occurred. He was focused on a positive, proactive life and focused on God.  The song says, I don’t know why Jesus loves, I don’t know why he cares, I don’t know why he sacrificed his life. Oh! but I’m glad so glad he did.  I don’t know why things happened the way that they did. Oh! but I’m glad for the quality of the relationship, for the mindset, for the positive impact of his life and his death.  My human mind doesn’t understand it all but I d o understand the importance of  “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct thy path. Proverbs 3:5, 6

My First blog on Justin’s Birthday.

I’m not crying today. I’m always missing my baby boy, Justin. He is in my daily thoughts. I look at his pictures…including the one that I posted on his birthday.  (That picture was actually taken on his birthday in 2010) Anyway…I look at one of his pictures or a memory comes to mind and I think…Oh My Goodness (OMG) I can’t believe that he’s not here.

Of course, I obviously know that he is not here but there is still a part of me that doesn’t want to accept it.

I am currently reading Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. One section talks about how Proactive people are impacted by things that are in their Circle of Concern.  These are the things that they have no control over.  However, one key difference between a proactive person and a reactive person is the response that they choose in a time of crisis…such as death. The proactive person will be impacted by the tragedy or emergency that has occurred but ultimately the response to the difficulty will result in one that is principal based.  A response that says By God’s Grace I can get up and move forward…By God’s Grace I will….  “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:9)

Moving forward through pain is a choice….Happiness is a choice too. “…Happy is that people who’s God is the Lord.” (Psalms 144:15)  Does that mean, there will never be a time of sorrow…of sadness?  Of course…”Jesus Wept.” It means that a conscious choice has been made to live life with purpose and ON Purpose. Satan would have me be in a strait jacket and angry with God. He would have me to be totally separated from God.   Justin would want happiness for me. He would want me to live life with purpose and On purpose.   This is what Donavan wants too.  This is what I want and most of all it’s what God desires for my life.  Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. (proverbs 3:5)

It’s been one year, four months and eight days since Justin…went to sleep.  I miss him so much! Another parent who has experienced the loss of a child would have a better understanding of this emptiness and pain. However, it is only God that can perfectly identify. No one knows like Jesus.

Today would have been his 20th birthday.  As I reflect today, I am so thankful for the time that we had together. We were truly bonded.  I think about gift giving on birthdays and I remember the last gift he gave to me at Christmas time a bottle of perfume, Chance by Chanel. I will cherish it forever.  I will also cherish the memory of his compassion.  I love the story of how is big brother Donavan, had taken him and some of his friends to a store and outside of the store was a homeless woman.  It was a cold night. He took his jacket off and gave it to the woman.

I am inspired by that story…. by the impact of his life.  In memory of my baby boy, I am volunteering at a soup kitchen today.  I want to focus some of my energies on helping someone else. In doing this, I also help myself.

The nightfall is the heartache of being separated, the process of grieving. The bible tells us that “Jesus is the Light” ( John 8:12).  In my journey, as I have moved closer to His Light and trusting in Him, He has given me peace that I didn’t have a year ago. Does that mean I don’t hurt…that I don’t cry…?  It means none of that.  It simply means that I have more peace.  I gain even more peace as I continue to walk towards The Light. It’s certainly not easy. I do believe though that… Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. (Psalms 30:5)